[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed