Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band