16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume