I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.