The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
You Might Also Like
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Received some very disappointing news today
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
fixed it
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.