Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
greetings!
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra