People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨