These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
prepare for carbonated trouble
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.