PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Cause of death: Zumba
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree