Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.