Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Well, this is awkward
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?