“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube