[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.