Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.