This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.