I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Hitlers gonna hitl
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
favorite tropes as memes
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.