my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.