What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
want me to check your oil?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.