ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
This January has 47 Mondays
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐