Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.