I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
You Might Also Like
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.