10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
A family that plays together cheats.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I have a new favorite meme page
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”