I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what