Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
look at me when i’m typing to you
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!