learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.