Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
You Might Also Like
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Meow?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*