Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
If you know, you know 😂🚔
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
we’re gonna need another temp
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”