I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
doing your own taxes
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.