Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
You Might Also Like
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.