I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
saving face 👀
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.