7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
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[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for