{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
5 ways to appear taller
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”