Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
*puts words between two asterisks*
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.