I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
You Might Also Like
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100