When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.