I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already