Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
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for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car