*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!