“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
New Tinder profile.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”