*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
guys i’ve cracked the code
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers