If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
We all have our pet causes.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh