Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
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I’ve been learning to cook.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
i actually laughed 😩
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
One of the best
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol