Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb