When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
You Might Also Like
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
🏙👨🏼
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
You deplete me
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
This classic never gets old . . .
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.