*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My Guy
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up