When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.