Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
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Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.