Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.