BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Dance like you’re not the father
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.