Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?